Some people call emojis modern-day hieroglyphs. I’ve always seen them as more akin to that strip of elements at the bottom of the periodic table. Like we’ve discovered these new building blocks of communication that somehow fit in between all the already existing components.
With the release of iOS update 9.1, the fine folks of the Unicode Consortium have approved and released 184 new little characters that will gradually seep into the zeitgeist. The new update has everything from a (close to already overused) middle finger to an oil drum for when you’d like to tell a henchman where to dispose of a body in the most kawaii way possible.
Like with all advancements in technology, this new emoji set will be utilized primarily for flirting, sexting, and a variety of other amorous correspondences. Emojis have a history of their user base finding ways to pervert the overt depiction of the represented character into something sexual, illicit, or deviant. You may have noted that eggplants and peaches are now synonymous with dicks and asses respectively. The latest update continues this tradition with women finally getting a way to cutely depict their vaginas with the introduction of the taco emoji. But that one was pretty obvious. And a long time coming. There’s so much more untapped potential in this new emoji pack.
NEW EMOJIS FOR SEXTING
Below are a few suggestions/predictions on how some of the less on-the-nose emojis can/will change the sexting game.
Sure, this guy has mostly been used so far to signify “Ugh. So stressed at work/school/life. Please kill me.” That doesn’t mean you can’t take him to the bedroom. Innocent enough on it’s own, but pair it with it’s right-side up counterpart, and baby, you’ve got a 69 going.
raised hand with part between middle and ring fingers
You can tell a lot about the people who come up with these that of all the hand gestures they could include, they chose the Vulcan salute for “live long and prosper.” A fictional alien race’s salutation makes the cut, but I’m still forced to use a martini glass or mai tai to signify all cocktails. Nobody is ever going to use this emoji. Fortunately, a little creativity might yet save it. Perhaps this could be a “shocker” emoji for more daring women as it seems unlikely the OG shocker will ever grace our cellular devices.
In case you weren’t aware, a “unicorn” now means a third party found by a couple to participate in a ménage a trois who will not catch feelings and is just there to participate in the all-around good times. Go ahead. Check urban dictionary. I’ll wait. Use this new emoji when out on the town to alert your partner that you have stumbled into good fortune and sourced this mythical creature for playtime.
bottle with popping cork
The easy interpretation of this one is that it signifies an orgasm, primarily a male ejaculating. My hunch says that, since we’ve already collectively formed a habit of using the three water droplets (in conjunction with the eggplant and whathaveyou) as a stand-in for cum, this new emoji might find itself representing premature ejaculation. Not exactly something worth popping champagne over.
fork and knife with plate
Give this one some time to catch on. The clean plate club emoji will act as a dinner triangle clanging across the cellular waves to the recipient saying “This pussy is freshly waxed and smooth. I didn’t go through that pain for nothing, so get over here and start eating.”
field hockey stick
I hate to perpetuate stereotypes, but as emoji Nostradamus, I am merely a vessel for visions of the future. The field hockey stick emoji WILL become the go-to shorthand for “lesbian.”
Almost anti-sexting, woe be to the unfortunate souls that receive this in a message. You must’ve just said something so gross, offensive, or lacking in tact that your lady is supremely turned off, thus rendering her once dewey and inviting vagina a coarse, inhospitable wasteland. You fucked up.
The tea leaves are hazy here. This emoji will undoubtedly come to be linked with penises, but the final verdict could fall into two camps: “erection” or “my erection is growing.” Play around with this one. Find what works best for you. Either way, make sure the positivity of your message comes across and your partner knows that whatever it is they’re doing, they should definitely keep it up.
couch and lamp
Already evocative of the seedy “casting couch” genre of porn, this unassuming empty couch is just begging to become the de facto symbol of “Netflix and chill.” After all, when the chill part of that combo starts to go down, who wants to ruin the moment by migrating to the bedroom? Fortunately Unicode was kind enough to not include pixely little stains in their final icon.
The 50 Shades moment may be over for the general population, but it’s nice to know that the BDSM community will finally have some representation in emoji form.
The only limit with this new emoji is your imagination. Orifices of various shapes, sizes, and PSI capabilities play a factor in sex and hole can fill in for any of them. Like a fine wine, hole is best when paired. Try it with the downward pointing finger or thumbs down to evoke digital anal stimulation. The more adventurous among you might even use hole in conjunction with the fist. Just be sure to play safe with hole and know when to give it some rest.
The intrepid nature of human communication knows no limits, and while some may bemoan emojis as the dumbing down of society, those of us in the know see them for the exciting new element of language they truly are, with yet-to-be-fully-realized potential.
Godspeed, you linguistic trailblazer. These new emoji tips might not necessarily be up your alley, but I trust you’ll find ways to innovate with this new batch that will leave your partners titillated and older generations clutching their pearls. Hell, I’m sure someone will even eventually find a use for “levitating business man.”