The Death of Uncle Sam (or) How I Survived the 2016 Election 

What do you even say right now? We have an orange president who wants us to build giant walls like we’re Pink Floyd and thinks it is okay to grab women by their “pussy”. I feel like I went to bed in an America I kind of understood, and woke up in the movie Idiocracy. But even then, Idiocracy was kind of funny and this is just some scary shit. Now keep in mind, I know that we had to choose between eating shit for dinner and eating shit for dinner, so it is not like (outside of Bernie Sanders, who America inexplicably didn’t want for some fucking reason) we really had no good option towards the end. Do you want a vile woman who has a massive body count behind her or do you want the weird, orange guy who has the same values as my dead, racist Grandfather and who wants to bang his own daughter? See, really, no winners in that kind of situation. But the Trump thing felt like, no joke, a kind of social experiment that went horribly wrong (which is kind of how South Park has played it, to their credit) and now it feels like even Trump is like:

Oh shit, this kinda wasn’t supposed to happen. I just wanted to wag my dick a little.


We just gave this guy the keys the the White House. Does anyone see how fucked we are right now, and how much more fucked we are about to be? It is like there is a massive tornado on the horizon coming straight at us but we can’t actually leave our trailer and we have to wait to see if it kills us or not. White trash metaphor used on purpose, BTW.

Are We Being Punk’d?

Come on? I know Punk’d is no longer a thing, but that is what this election felt like, especially with its outcome. No one else thought this on Tuesday when Trump slowly overtook Hillary and all the states started turning blood fucking red? Come on, the map of America was slowly turning BLOOD RED. Ya’ll motherfuckers saw The Shining, right? Ya’ll understand symbolism and when life is sending you subtle messages.The map was, again, red. Covered in it.

To me, I will admit, it felt like that scene in the Neverending Story when Atreyu has to watch his horse, Artax slowly drown and can do nothing. For anyone needing more visuals metaphors, here:

Yup, that’s the feeling. Watching on in sobbing terror and grief while something you love slowly dies. That sums up how I felt while watching this slowly turn into Trump Nation. Even putting those words together side-by-side feels like I am giving a pretty name to our nasty, inevitable downfall at the hands of a man who literally points out how large his hands are so people think he has a huge dick. No, this REALLY FUCKING HAPPENED:

THAT is the guy most of this entire fucking Country (*coughs, electoral vote, our votes mean shit* coughs) picked. Now keep in mind, had you said that exact thing hinting at your massive cock in a break room at your job that had both sexes in it, you could literally lose your job for sexual harassment, even if it made only ONE of those people uncomfortable. Did you know that? But in a fucking NATIONAL DEBATE dude feels compelled to hold up his hands and point out how it obvs. means he has a huge cock. Listen, I have a huge cock, but I will show it to you. I will back it up with action, but please note, I say stupid shit like this KNOWING I WILL NEVER RUN FOR FUCKING PRESIDENT. This dude says this shit and LANDS THE PRESIDENCY FOR IT. See why I am thinking this is a longitudinal Punking by the very cruel hands of the Gods themselves? I say Gods plural because come on, we are all adults, there is no invisible guy in the sky, so fuck it, let’s pretend there are a bunch, Game of Thrones style.

Actually, come to think of it, we have an orange, sexist, racist as a president so an invisible man in the sky seems more and more palpable, in terms of irrational things that exist.

What Now?

Did you guys see the video of Trump sitting cordially with Obama and acting all nice? Did any of you pick up  how fucking uncomfortable it makes Trump to be nice and courteous? He is practically squirming in his chair and trying to slink out of the room like a snake shedding its skin. And guess what? THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HE HAD TO DO THIS.

Do you understand the President is an actor’s role? It REALLY is. Americans who do not understand that have no grasp on the hierarchy of power in this country, and that is okay. Ignorance is bliss. But yes, it is an acting role. Obama was great at it. Charming as fuck, no matter if you liked him or not, and he knew how to own a room (and feel warm while doing it). Bush was a dumb douche but man, his conferences were often fucking hilarious (he was the goofy one who disarmed people by pretending he was stupid). Hell, Bill Clinton seemed like the kind of guy who would just kill at a party, winning over all your intellectuals and attractive female friends. Yet here we are, and now Trump looks like a man who wants to vomit when he has to act humane.

Now try to imagine the first time an actual threat happens. Imagine how Trump would’v’e handled 9/11 and then realize how fucking fuckity fucked we really are right now.

What now? Pray you live in one of the states where marijuana was just made legal (like I do) and just hope beyond reason that whatever strain of herb you get makes you high enough that you can ignore the shitshow that is about to pour over us  in the next four years.

Another unfortunate and unavoidable side note is of this fallout is…

Every Country Officially Hates Us Now

While we have slowly been getting out of the favor of some countries we were cool with over time, almost every country has sat up and said in one form or another recently:

  1. Trump wins you cannot come here. That is not how this works. We are not your submissive aunt.
  2. If Trump wins, we will no longer associate with you.

Canada and Britain being but two examples. Other countries LITERALLY want to disassociate with us now that a full-sized Oompa Loompa is running our shit. And really, who the fuck can blame them? THIS IS OUR PRESIDENT:

It is like when you have a friend you tell not to date someone, then they date them for years and don’t talk to you, and then he or she beats the other person’s ass and then the person comes back around and asks to stay with the friend who warned them. Fuck no. That is not how this worked. You were warned, you told me to fuck off, so fuck off. They warned us, this happened, and now everyone hates us, and can you blame them, really?

Trump is like some Borat shit. I still don’t think this can be real.

So How Did I Survive the Election?

I subtitled the intro how I survived the 2016 election, and as you can tell from reading this, I didn’t. That is the plot twist here. This is like some M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie, except back when his twists were still good. As you can feel from the seething venom in every word typed here, I really didn’t survive. A huge part of fell into a bottomless chasm that night and has been just screaming at grabbing at things to slow my fall since. I am not happy, but I knew I wouldn’t be. I wrote this shit all out for you many months ago. I said it, whoever wins, we lose. It was some Alien versus Predator type of shit, and really, the end result is, well, I think we all know what the end result will be.

In the meantime, stay high and happy and just keep pretending this is the America our forefathers fought and died for, even though they are all rolling in their graves right now like fucking chickens in spigots.

Where To Send Death Threats for This Article:

Do not harass the site if I said things here that pissed you off because you want to suck off Trump. I don’t have to like the guy, and I don’t have to stifle that for anyone. I get paid to say what  most feel but don’t have the balls to out loud. So if you are mad at this piece, you are mad at me. You can find me here and here. Bring it on.

Fuck it, I’m always ready to drag some ignorant fuck behind the four wheel Ford truck I don’t have. Trump would want it that way.


Now to end on the foreshadowy wisdom of a young Bill Paxton to sum up where we are heading…..