What Some Men Think About Women

Preface: Yesterday, I followed the conversation over at Sid Miller’s Twitter account. If you don’t know, Miller is the Texas official who referred to the Democrat Presidential nominee, a woman with half the country’s support if nothing else, as a cunt. This year has seen a remarkable resurgence of sexism. I myself have been called a cunt online more than once. I’ve got a fairly decent idea of how sexists think, and I thought instead of writing a think piece in my own voice, I’d see how people react if I verbalized what goes on inside the mind of a misogynist—someone who’d use the word “cunt” toward a woman as an insult, and then wonder why a twee-pology doesn’t make up for it.

Let me explain something to the ladies who got their panties all ruffled when Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller, a former legislator, called Hillary Clinton a cunt on Twitter the other day. First, Miller said he was hacked. Okay? Well, not hacked like in The Matrix movies. More like misused. Someone accidentally retweeted the word “cunt” from somewhere else, or it could’ve been a bad cut and paste job by a staffer. There’s a lot of confusion over there, and it sounds like a lot of bad stuff happened. Cut him a break. The important thing is he said he was sorry. Miller even called the word “cunt” disgusting! Aren’t you proud of him for doing that?

You ladies need to stop getting so worked up over every little instance of sexism that happens in our culture. There’s too much of it. You’re going to wear out your little brains if you try and make every single man on earth behave correctly all the time. Guys just think that way. They just act like that. Stop trying to change them. It was locker room talk, and by that I mean talk that sometimes happens in public accidentally. They don’t mean anything by it.

Are you still listening? Because I’ll tell you the real problem in this country. Political correctness. You’ve been tricked into wearing this straight jacket of non-offensive speech. Everything will get better if you just let me and my pals talk however we want. Just you wait and see, honey.

You have no idea how distracting it is to work out logical solutions to problems when we men have to watch our language all the time. Just the other day, I almost solved our healthcare crisis. I was thinking aloud about how Barack Obama’s been such a pussy catering to these cripples and crazies. Then my daughter overheard me from the kitchen and came in, raised a hand and said in this bitchy tone she got from her feminazi aunt, “Daddy, stop! Mama said you’re not supposed to use the p-word. And they’re not cripples; they’re disabled. You sound like an asshole.”

I got so mad at her for interrupting me, and for leaving the dishes undone, and for swearing, that I grounded her. After that, I couldn’t think straight and had to go out with my friends for a few beers. Hell, we went to a strip club to let off some steam. Guys need that. So the solution that could’ve changed the nation is dead now. I forgot everything I was thinking and woke up this morning with a huge hangover. So today is pretty much wasted, too.

You look confused. Did I talk too fast, sweetie? Oh, I see how you might’ve gotten tripped up there. You see, when I grounded my daughter for swearing, that’s because women were designed by Jesus not to use profanity. In fact, their lips are supposed to be shaped in such a way they can’t even pronounce bad words. Their bodies have ways of shutting that whole swearing thing down. It’s amazing. Women are so incredible. Cherish them. Revere them.

Our daughter may need cosmetic surgery for her defect. Her lips need to be so plump and juicy that she can’t say much of anything. Maybe brain surgery, too. She’s been hallucinating that one day she’ll work for a nonprofit. I won’t even let our son work for no profit. Seriously, no profits? Jesus. We’ll see what the doctor says when we take her in tomorrow.

Take those earbuds out and put down your phone for a minute, sugar. Your girlfriends can wait. This is important.

You see, there’s nothing wrong with the word cunt. It’s just a term for female anatomy. When I disagree with a woman, I call her a cunt and she shuts up. It’s simple and effective. That’s all. Not a big deal. I get called a dick all the time. You don’t see my whining about my rights, do you?

Here’s another big problem. Women keep wasting our time with all this talk about harassment and catcalling and other stuff. I’ll probably use bullet points so you don’t get confused:

  • You’ve got the equal pay thing all wrong. You don’t make as much money as me because you tend to go home early and take care of the kids. That’s your real job. We’re not going to pay you for it though, because having kids was your decision—unless you were raped. Either way, you’re going to raise a kid and you’re going to do it without government assistance. My taxpayer money’s already allocated for the new smartphone, not your dumb crack baby.
  • We also need some clarification on rape culture. Look, there’s just nothing we can do if a guy rapes you, okay? Nobody saw it happen, and the odds that you’re making it up are too great to risk the future of some bright young man at Stanford. Besides, it’s not like he killed you. Or even stabbed you. He had sex with you, 20 minutes of hot sweet action, which he never would’ve done if you weren’t so good looking. In a way, he was paying you a compliment. What he’s saying is that he wanted sex with you so bad, he completely lost control of his own inhibitions. Why is this even a crime? Give him a break. If he looked like James Franco, I bet you wouldn’t mind so much. Doesn’t that make you a hypocrite? Finally, you were probably passed out when it happened. You didn’t even really feel anything. It was like going to the dentist.
  • Men use terms of endearment when they find you attractive. You should be honored when we call you sweetie, honey, or sugar. Those are all great things we like to eat. I don’t call everyone honey or sweetie. I call the fat, ugly, or disagreeable ones cunts. You don’t want to be one of those, do you? Enjoy sweetie while it lasts. Also, you girls call each other honey and sweetie all the time. So you can do it, but I can’t do it? How does that work?
  • Men will give you advice on things like clothes, weight, and makeup. We’re doing you a service here. Especially if you’re single, don’t you want to know what men really think about the way you look? I know some women love it when I mention their jeans fit a lot better than they did a week ago. Who doesn’t love that confidence boost? And if you don’t look that great, wouldn’t you rather hear it from a coworker before that big date tonight?
  • Catcalling is just flirting. And if a guy catcalls a 15-year-old, he’s just warming her up. I like to think of it as kitten calling. Positive reinforcement, am I right? Teens are so sensitive. They’d probably complain if we ignored them.

Here’s some advice, babe. The next time a guy does something you don’t like, you have two choices. You can very politely ask him to stop, or you can just deal with it like your mom probably did back when America was great. There’s no need to be so rude. Men aren’t going out of their way to harass you or steal your money, or charge you more for cars. If anything, we’re just so tough and smart and strategic that you women can’t keep pace. That’s why you always get screwed over. You need to toughen up and learn to take some punches. If you were really into equality, you wouldn’t let us keep taking advantage of you. I realize it sounds hypocritical of me to tell you to act polite and headstrong at the same time, but you women always contradict yourselves anyway. You should be able to work out the details.

Let me put it in really simple terms, gals. You can vote. There are no laws keeping you from work. You’re safe from rape against most guys, most of the time. As long as there’s another man present to stop me, you’re probably not going to get harassed or groped either. You’re protected. You’re a protected class. Because of that protection, I should be able to say and do whatever I want about women. I’m not breaking any laws.

Finally, try to see things from our point of view every now and then. Men have had it tough. Our jobs have gone overseas. We’ve lost our life savings and retirement plans. Stewardesses aren’t all that good looking anymore, and half of them are men. Nice guys are no longer guaranteed hot wives. Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn’t put out a decent movie in ten years, and don’t tell me Terminator Genisys was good. It’s got nothing on Judgment Day. Do you even know what I’m talking about? Never mind.

This year, we men were hoping to get America back on track with a solid, Regan-era Ghostbusters movie. But then you chicks ruined it with your damned feminism. You couldn’t even make the girl Ghostbusters hot. You had to make them normal looking. Cool guys like Milo Yiannopoulos weren’t allowed to compare the black actress to a gorilla. It was a train wreck of a summer.

By the way, it’s not racist if we really think the comparison is apt. I know that white people used to dehumanize black people by calling them apes, but that was twenty years ago and has nothing to do with today. Anyway, I’m just kidding when I do stuff like that. I often say and do racist and/or sexist things just to offend you, because you’re so sensitive and politically correct.

You ladies should learn how to tell the difference between real and ironic sexism. Basically, anything a guy says on the Internet is never sexism. It’s always funny. If I tweet rape jokes, I’m not really advocating rape. When you call me out for that, you’re just trying to get the same amount of attention I did when I made the joke in the first place.

The bottom line is that all these “crises” you keep complaining about would go away if you just stopped. I mean, stopped everything. Just do your job, raise your kids, look sexy, be funny in a non-threatening way, and we won’t have a problem. Men would probably stop raping women altogether if they could make rape jokes without fear of feminist reprisal.

I would never do anything to hurt a funny, sexy, smart, independent Fox News correspondent—especially if she went on a pity date with me to protect my pride. Be like Megyn Kelley when she’s got long flowy hair and not on her period. Have you seen her in that black dress? Jesus Mesus.

I can see I’m not quite getting through to you. Here’s the simplest I can make it:

Democrats rape people. Bill Clinton. Anthony Weiner. Rapists. They’re the same ones telling you to be a feminist and wear whatever you want. Coincidence? Of course Bill Clinton is going to tell his wife and her friends to tell you to wear whatever you want downtown on Friday night. He loves it.

Republicans don’t do rape. They believe in God. Any woman who accuses a Republican of rape is just an attention-seeking, liberal cunt. Republicans are the ones telling you to cover up (unless you’re on the cover of GQ). Why would they do that if they were just going to take if off later?

Where was I? Oh, freedom. As men, our free speech is watched every minute. I mean, we still get to say whatever we want. But now we get criticized for it, and sometimes banned from Twitter. Dark times, ladies. Dark times. So, thanks for reading. I know you must be tired now. Take a nap. While you’re resting, I hope you decide to stop acting so selfish and keep this nasty cunt from becoming our next president. She’s deleting so many emails. You might wake up tomorrow morning and find she’s deleted your emails.

Featured image by Napoleon Cole via Flickr.