“O sleep, O gentle sleep, Nature’s soft nurse, how have I frightened thee.  That thou no more will weigh my eyelids down, And steep my senses in forgetfulness?”

― William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part 2


Some of us are blessed (or cursed) with a chronic inability to sleep at night.  The welcome rest that heals both body and soul regenerates cells and solidifies memory.  But not for everyone: I’m one of those people.    

Because I haven’t slept, I forget where, but I’m fairly sure it’s been said that insomnia is a mark of intelligence.  I certainly hope so.  For insomniacs like me, in the wee hours of the night, the body is tired, but the mind races.  And although there are pharmaceutical options, both prescribed and homeopathic, legal and illegal, the cloudy brain hangover that interferes with life’s challenges of the next day presents a real reason to avoid chemical manipulation of sleep.

Most insomniacs have heard all kinds of advice from the oft-hated but well-meaning natural sleepers.  And much of the time we, the sleep-challenged, resist the urge to throat punch those same people for providing that advice.  Such advice is generally useless for the advanced non-sleeper, anyway.  Seriously, go fuck yourself with your hot milk and counting smelly farm animals.

But I’m a generally positive person, and as with many areas of life, positivity is key.  Therefore, I have begun to classify the hours after bedtime but before sleep as “Bonus Time.”  Bonus Time can be used for anything, from worrying about things that will never happen, to the more productive cleaning and straightening.  But I use my Bonus Time time to write.  For better or for worse, my brain is capable of downloading words at an alarming rate, but only after midnight.  Following is the chapter outline for a book on a particular method for achieving sleep that I work on in my Bonus Time nightly between 1 and 3AM.  I hope you enjoy it.


The Insomniac’s Guide to Purposeful Masturbation


Table of Contents


Chapter 1: Jacking It Without Waking the Neighbors

Chapter 2: Cleaning Your Mom’s Spatula & Using It For Self Love

Chapter 3: Coping With Genital Anger, Yours and Others’

Chapter 4: Avoiding Eye Contact With Your Cat

Chapter 5: Dammit There’s a Book Here, and Now I’ll Never Go To Sleep

Chapter 6: Trophies & Other Phallic Objects

Chapter 7: Don’t Microwave Cucumbers More Than 15 Seconds

Chapter 8: Knives, Nope

Chapter 9: Why Are D-Batteries So Expensive?

Chapter 10: Sock Drawer Magic

Chapter 11: Floral Design And Your Genitals

Chapter 12: Creative Use of Gravity

Chapter 13: So You’re Injured.  Now What?

Chapter 14: All 37 Uses For A Selfie Stick

Chapter 15: Gawd I’m So Alone

Chapter 16: Objectifying Clowns Without Fear

Chapter 17: Lightbulbs And Glassware, You Need Duct Tape

Chapter 18: Caffeine and Your Genitals

Chapter 19: V Is For Vacuum, Not Vagina

Chapter 20: This Freckle Wasn’t Here Before / It’s Probably Cancer

Chapter 21: Food Porn As Actual Porn

Chapter 22: Pseudo-Sexual Origami With Cardboard Boxes

Chapter 23: Bananas Have Feelings

Chapter 24: Is It Fuzz Or Lint?

Chapter 25: Mom!  Not Now

Chapter 26: Religious Objects

Chapter 27: Puppeteering To Set The Mood

Chapter 28: Thinking About Weird Bugs

Chapter 29: Spanking It In Space

Chapter 30: Stop When It Burns


Featured image by gaelx via Flickr.