Single?  How To Update Your Relationship Status

“This above all: to thine own self be true.”

–William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Your married friends fantasize about your super-sexy amazing single life.  Drowning in kids and mortgages, they imagine your life to be one constant parade of boozy, attractive, naked lovers and cool random encounters with D-list celebrities.  As they shuttle short, snotty soccer players and snipe at their spouse for forgetting to flush the toilet, the fantasy of single life is the most auto-erotic fantasy in their playbook.  And you’re their model.

That’s why it’s very important to keep up the illusion for those poor bastards. There is no need for the sad slobs to know that the last time you shaved anything was 4 months ago, or that you just found a cake crumb from last night’s self-hate-fueled binge in your bra.  And ate it.  Or that the last truly interesting thing you did was cyber-stalk your boss online.  (Side note: Why is he always holding that moldy dog?)

Not destroying the single life fantasy is the exact reason why social media sites give very few options to describe your relationship status: married, single, or the absolute worst: “it’s complicated.”  (For the record, anyone choosing “it’s complicated” as their relationship status should immediately log off all social media and leave us out of that crap.)  But sometimes, a single gal wants to communicate the delicate nuances of being single.  Consequently, I have provided some more expressive relationship status updates for your convenience.  Enjoy!

Relationship Status Updates:

  1. Spent 30 minutes in the grocery store just looking at cucumbers.  I didn’t buy any.
  2. Walking around this construction site again until just one of these guys whistles.  Third time this week.
  3. Had a conversation with my belly button by scrunching it to make it “talk” and using different voices.  We both like pizza.
  4. Yeti legs.
  5. A piece of lettuce from the sandwich I was eating in the tub fell in the water.  I ate it anyway.
  6. Drinking a vodka screwdriver while sitting on the toilet, tweeting.  Yeah, surprises me, too.  I don’t like orange juice with vodka.
  7. Fell asleep while masturbating sober.  Didn’t orgasm.
  8. Made a rug out of cat hair.  I don’t own any cats.
  9. Carved another notch on the bathroom door for consecutive poops that scarred the toilet.
  10. My sock puppets are feuding because one of them lied about how much they had to drink.

Featured image by See-ming Lee via Flickr.