I feel a slightly nerdy yet very girly rant coming on.
This one about Spider-Man.
Well, not really, but about the people who hate Spider-Man.
Well, not so much Spider-Man the comic, you know, they hate the Spider-Man movies.
Actually, not all of the movies, it’s more of a rant about the frazzled frowning idiots who ferociously fight about the new Aunt May in Spider-Man Homecoming.
Ahem, here if goes.

I hate all of you.
As much as I would like to end this article there, because I think that my hate is pretty self-explanatory, but I will go a little further into why I hate these people in case it wasn’t completely obvious.

I haven’t even seen Homecoming yet and frankly, Spider-Man movies are not usually the ones that I would rush to the theater to see. So this slightly nerdy, very girly rant will be dedicated to those complete and total assholes out there, you know the frazzled frowning idiots, who can totally accept a being from another planet; one with a very strange language, ridiculous abilities, multiple limbs and happens to be a putrid shade of purple etc., but cannot stand an Aunt May who doesn’t look like Angela Lansbury’s Post Mortem pics.

FYI- You frazzled frowners totally suck because you ruin everything! This is why I can’t enjoy cosplay as my favorite characters because you jerks take all of the fun out of enjoying anything by making something that comes from make believe, fit into narrowly constructed boxes of sexism, ageism and racism. Nerds should know better!
Why can’t Aunt May be Marisa Tomei? I know why. Because in your sick and twisted heads female characters can only be one of two things- fuckable or grandma. There is no crossing streams here because there is nothing for these characters to cross streams with. So even though every single character in a comic book film is completely and entirely fictional, let’s all freak the fuck out if we actually want to bang Aunt May now (because up until this incarnation of her, our desire to blow a load on her old back was our dirty little secret.)

Oh and don’t give me that crap about how Aunt May LOOKS in the comics. Continuity, my ass! That’s where the issue stems from, right there. You look at the trades as the gospel and it’s just one POV! The original artist interpreted the character that way and hadn’t you noticed the character has changed looks drastically over the years based on who was writing it and illustrating it.

Unfortunately for all of us, those people were horrible toward female characters and now the directors are only doing what makes sense to do- if Aunt May were alive in 2017, what would she look like? Very simply, a chick like Marisa. Duh.  People are always referring to elements from the comics versus just enjoying the MCU or Sony’s Film Catalog and their pouting conversations lean entirely too much on just the physical appearance of female characters, over talent of the performers. The part that sucks the most about this, is these frazzled frowning fools probably never bought or read a Spidey comic in their entire lives.
I couldn’t hate you all more and I have tried, I really have. How Marisa Tomei looks playing an “Aunt” really should be a big ‘who cares’, right? RIGHT?!?

More often than not it already sucks to be a female character in a super hero film, whether you are a part of the team, a bit player or the bad guy. She’s too tall, too old, too under dressed, not attractive enough or too attractive. (Insert longest eye roll ever). Most of the time, even in films about them, the female characters are treated as nothing more than colorful set decorations and lambasted if a suit or a coif is not placed exactly as it is in our fantasy comic porn panels. None of the Supermen have had enough curl for me personally but it’s not a good reason for me to dismiss the character entirely! But you know it and I know it, nobody really cares if a dude character looks different than the comics- uhm, hello Jason Momoa as Aqua MAN! Who’s mad? Nobody.

We are all trained to look at the female characters in comic movies- BUT just look at them ONLY- and not to listen or think of them as actual people or have anything to add to the film but a body and possibly hair that appeals to us as either a perfect physical partner for hot sexy night games or a spot on replica of our holy and innocent elderly Moms.  None of these characters are real people though if we are being completely honest and it wouldn’t change the story one bit if Salma Hayek, Whoopi Goldberg or Julie Andrews played the fictional Aunt May- especially if any one of them did an incredible job with the character’s arc.

And if in a reboot of a comic a character looks “younger” than the imaginings represented in the trades well that is just a reason to have a nervous breakdown, isn’t it? Apparently it is, if the character you are whining about is a female one. “She doesn’t look the same” is a problem if the only point of including the character is to have her act as a fern in the living room scene-  a mere reference to gawk and ogle at that LOOKS familiar. Doesn’t May Parker become “Golden Oldie” at some point? I’m sure that she didn’t get that name because she was a classic record constantly played by Galactus when he was blue and in dire need of nostalgia. Two choices- fuckable or grandma, girls, that’s it!

Funny thing is it’s not really young people who look at Marisa and go, “wow she looks so young!” They know the ancients regardless of how many extensions and Botox fillers that we buy. These reboots are obviously supposed to be entertainment for all of us but I don’t think that they are geared toward the people who remember the Spider-Man television program of the 80’s so much as they are directed at people who weren’t alive when that show even happened. My son is 17 and quite frankly to him she looks like an “old bird” who might hang out with his mom, who is clearly the oldest person alive ( In his eyes, I’m pretty much near death and Marisa looks like she could be in my “crew”).
So who is she too young for exactly? The same dudes who don’t care at all that comic book movies now include talking raccoons and who all own copies of Howard The Duck on VHS.

I’m never going to stop hating you.

I’m not really nit-picky about this sort of thing, it’s not keeping me up nights at all but have you ever heard anyone say well gosh, Robert Downey Jr. doesn’t look like the Tony Stark that we know and love at all! He’s too short, old, fat and not quite as good looking as the Tony in the Iron Man comic books, this a damn outrage!
I haven’t.
And you never will- because male characters are always the focus, they can change races, sizes, whatever they wish and no one will even bat an eyelash. But the fem bots in the background and the golden girls in the parlor room better look exactly the same as they did on the pages of my favorite publication, fifty fucking years ago. You’re only mad because you now want to fuck the person that you used to look at like an innocent grandma and the shame there isn’t really in that but in that it’s not a real person at all that you want to splooge all over. You want to fuck an idea.
Spider-Man will never save you, you know this right? And dear OLD Aunt May, any version of her, will not make you cookies and give you pep talks after failing out of vocational school.
I live in a fantasy world myself, I know, I know and being mad at people who are mad is the ultimate form of pettiness but how about we just let Marisa play the imaginary character that she is playing and decide if she does a convincing job as an actor being an Aunt to a spacey geeky kid with powers, versus grading her performance on how much weight she’s gained since she was featured in My Cousin Vinny?

As my slightly nerdy and very girly rant comes to a close, just remember, Aunt May is not real, so the character can essentially be played by anyone, including Jack Black in a dress.