If god was a real thing, and had to be reduced to a binary human construct of gender, that god would most certainly be “female-ish”

I like to preface everything that I write with the fact that whatever you read here is just my opinion and is not designed to offend anyone but just a way to flip a topic on its head and check it out from another point of view. I don’t think about deities very often and since there are so many from so many different religions and cultures it can be hard to keep track of them all. But if I were a monotheist I would probably subscribe to the notion that god is most certainly an overworked mom.

I am not a believer of any faith but from what I have learned so far is that most religions that have one central figure use masculine pronouns to describe the being. I’m sure that there are all sorts of political and misogynistic reasons for this but based on being a mom myself, I feel that if god was a real thing, and had to be reduced to a binary human construct of gender, that god would most certainly be “female-ish”- The Almighty Know it All Mother god indeed.

I imagine god is a really old lady quietly shaking her head at us and has no intention of parading around the galaxy in a bikini taking selfies every five minutes just so that her wayward kids can believe that she still exists. And so you might go, well, in these books about god, they don’t seem to like chicks very much- all sin is caused by chicks, all bad things that could ever happen to a human derive from femininity so what would make me think that god was girly? The fact that everything in the book is anti-chick, that’s why. In my experiences with men, they love women, regardless of what they look like or how they smell or even if they have all of their limbs and can construct full sentences. There is a small group of very loud men who don’t like themselves that try to sell this whole anti-woman spiel but no one sells it better, gasp, than women.

Women don’t appear to like women very much, and I’m not sure if it’s a competition thing, or a warrior hunter balance primal instinct, but most of the hate I have ever received about being a chick has actually come from, you guessed it, another chick. So maybe all this hoopla in these religious texts were originally based on a girl god’s perspective- one just like your mom’s. You know good and well that your mom doesn’t want you to love any other women more than you love her so of course she is not going to approve of any women that you meet or know in any way shape or form and she will not hesitate to tell you how horrible they are and how bad they are going to make your life (even if you are one).

Another similarity in my mind is how we get information from this god character. Your dad left to go get cigarettes in 1978 and he ain’t coming back, kiddo. Sorry. The raising of mankind has been left to… you guessed it –mom. And even if your dad was home, everybody knows mom is in charge. So god pretty much communicates the same way that your mom does. Typically gods in the stories try to tell someone to live right but the little ingrates completely ignore the conversation, even if it comes from a bush on fire.

Flat out telling you the truth never seems to work for your mom or any god.  So Mom and god have to let you do it wrong a few times and cringe at your pain in silence. Regardless of how much it hurts her and god to see you beautiful little idiots suffer, somehow you only get the message after you’ve busted your head wide open a few times. Like god, mom loves your dumb ass anyway and eventually overlooks your mistakes if you stop making the same ones. Your mom has the ability to fix all of your problems for you, by the way, just like god does, but she won’t do it because if she does, you’ll be an enabled lazy good for nothing bum, tooling around in her basement in your 60’s wearing footie pajamas.

In some polytheistic religions god has many faces and many personalities, some of whom are female. Your mom was a whole other person before you came along, trust me. She will be a whole other woman at work than she is in her love life and you don’t want to know who she turns into if anything ever happened to you. Mom can be gentle or mom can be scary, just like god(s). She wears just as many hats, as Hindu gods have names. But your father? Has he changed at all since the Korean War?

Because what I am talking about is theoretically fictional at best, there is obviously no way to actually prove any of my thoughts or ideas about the subject. I just think that it is fun on my 45 minute work commute to ponder the reasons why there didn’t seem to be any dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark. Clearly because mom/god knew that they’d eat everything else. You can’t trick mom.

These are my reasons for why your god is more Mother than Father:

  • Your mom/god always wants to teach you a lesson. Always.
  • Mom/god is not a slut. It’s called Immaculate Conception, okay?
  • Mom/god expects loyalty through action not words.
  • Mom/god whispers when you’re about to go off track.
  • Mom/god will let you believe a lie if it protects you.
  • You love mom/god the most when you are your youngest and when you are your oldest self.
  • Mom/god sees everything and knows everything.
  • Because Mom/god says so, that’s why.
  • You never want to disappoint mom/god.
  • Mom/god likes gifts and presents and sacrifices. Lots of them.

Of course, I’m completely full of shit and it’s pretty obvious that in your ridiculous bed time stories that you tell yourself about good and evil that the main antagonist is god the father and none of it has anything to do with broads even in the vaguest sense. Plus, not all females are moms and not all moms are nurturers. ( I’m still not trying to offend anybody here). Since the shit is entirely fictional, I can edit the characterization of related traits to suit my fancy. Anyway, If god were a chick we’d get to sleep through periods and menstrual cramps would feel like a warm belly full of whiskey. Duh. But it was fun to think about, wasn’t it?


Featured image: Ruth Hartnup — Flickr.