Things You Can Do In the Last Two Hours Stuck At Work


“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

William Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act One


 

Some people are lucky enough to love their job.  These are the people who happily wake up every day and rush in to the office.  They probably exercise first just to get more of those addictive endorphins.  Bastards.  Most of us only work to eat.  For the vast majority of us, the thought of heading back to work after a drug-fueled binge weekend is analogous to the eighth circle of Hell.

Upon opening the door to the office, you enter an alternate universe where one minute feels like hours.  The workplace is quite literally The Land That Time Forgot.  The seconds crawl like sleepy tortoises til the lunch hour.  The lunch break is a far-too-brief respite that merely hints of liberty.  In the two hours after lunch, it’s naptime.  We’ve all perfected the sitting-up-eyes-wide-open sleep position.  

But those last two hours before closing time are the worst.  With a post-nap hangover and zero desire to do any actual work, there is only so much social media and solitaire that can be tolerated.  To provide a solution to this problem, I’m giving you a list of things you can do to fill time at work while looking busy enough to still draw your check.  Enjoy!

  1. Make a paperclip daisy chain vest.  Use every paperclip in the office, even if you have to ask to “borrow” them.
  2. Type the word “freedom” repeatedly on a Word document.  With standard, justified margins and 12 point Arial font, that’s 410 “freedoms” per page.  Probably.
  3. Spray all of the contents of the can of air freshener in the bathroom.  Really empty it.   Then complain about the overpowering smell of lavender.
  4. Engage your annoying co-worker in a spirited discussion about his mother’s cats.
  5. Keep and update a daily journal of the outfits worn by the secretary.  Compliment her by telling her you liked it better when she wore that same dress on the 23rd.
  6. Bring a large bag of candy and empty it on your desk.  Sort them by color, shape, and size.  Look brutally disappointed when anyone asks if they can have one.  Grudgingly give them one piece and bid it goodbye, saying “You were my favorite.”
  7. Adjust all of the wall hangings in the office.  Make sure it looks like you are straightening them, but leave them all at a 10 degree angle from where you found them.  Then walk around with your head tilted the opposite direction.
  8. Draw an outline of your hand on a piece of paper.  Make 100 copies and color them all to look like Thanksgiving turkeys dressed in different outfits.
  9. Refill your tape dispenser at exactly 4:17pm every day.  Hide yesterday’s roll in your desk drawer and see how long it takes anyone to notice.
  10. Spread stacks of papers all over your desk and then furiously rearrange them while muttering, “It has to be here somewhere.”

One final tip: Make sure you scroll your page up high enough so when your boss walks by your desk he can’t see you writing a document entitled “Things You Can Do In The Last Two Hours Stuck At Work.”


Featured image by Michael Lokner: Flickr.